Wow...time flys!

So I didn't realize it's almost been 2 months since I last posted. Things with work are going well....I'm finally getting a caseload so I'm not bored out of my mind anymore. I had to wait until I started my training and the first training wasn't until a month and a half after my transfer. It was nice having the break though....I was able to relax from all the stress of my old position.

I'm making some positive changes in my life. Maybe it's because there is less stress at home and work that I'm able to do it. I've started eating healthier and exercising and I've lost 10 pounds in the last month. In November of last year, when things were extremely bad here at home and I had been told I wasn't able to transfer to the new job and they were starting mass layoffs at work, I went on an anti-depressant. I don't think I mentioned it here. And I never told my husband because he is strongly against meds like that. He thinks it's just a lack of faith and that all a person needs to do is to increase their faith in Allah. So I knew he would never approve or understand. It helped....life was bearable. But after NAPster finally left and I was told I was finally getting to move to the new job and it seemed that our frontline worker positions were safe for now from layoffs, I didn't think I needed to be on it anymore. So in March, I weaned myself back off of it. It was hard....it made me nauseous...it made me extremely dizzy....I spent the weekend in bed...it was to the point where I almost went back to taking it regularly, but I didn't really want to stay on it so I struggled through it. Finally, after about 2 weeks, the bad withdraw side effects went away. All the while, my husband just thought I was ill....he never knew why I felt the way I did.

Alhamdulillah that I'm no longer on that medicine.

Alhamdulillah that my life is improving.

Alhamdulillah for my new job!

Alhamdulillah, I finally was able to transfer to the new position that I was supposed to transfer to last November. I'm so glad to be rid of all my old cases. It really was time for me to go, because I really wasn't feeling it working with my families anymore. There aren't any parents that I'll miss. There are only one family of kids that I'll miss. I actually even had a weird dream this afternoon (yes...you read that right....I had a nap this afternoon while my daughter was napping!) that my daughter was actually one of a twin set and my twins had the names of the twin girls from that family. I won't be able to get any cases of my own in the new job until I start my trainings for it and the first training isn't until May. So it will be a nice break from all the chaotic stress of the old job.

So thanks be to Allah for sending this my way. Good things come to those who wait! :o)

Oh look, your butt is calling! Hello, Butt!

Nothing new going on lately....just laughing at that T Mobile commercial about butt dialing. Thankfully, my slider phone doesn't do the butt dial. So yeah....don't really have much to talk about. What's new with you? :o)

I'm in a good place

Things have settled down around here. And on this 13th day of 2009, I can finally say I'm in a good place. I'm liking myself more....I'm liking my marriage more. I'm liking my home more. The tension is gone. It's easier to focus on us instead of us and her. I don't know what's going on with them....and that's just fine with me. The less I know, the better I am. Not because of any dislike for her or their relationship, but it's better for me to not be in the middle of or aware of the fighting in their relationship. It's better for me to not have to hear how unhappy she is with him....how unhappy he is with her. And if they are happy together, then may Allah make them happy with each other. But I feel so much better being out of it. My husband doesn't understand, I don't think. I doubt he ever will. I think he still feels I'm selfish in my wanting her out of my house. (He didn't say that, but I think he probably thinks it.) I'm not sure he realizes the calmness that's in our house now. But I do. I relish in it.

And you want to know something else? The baby finally started walking on her own. Alhamdulillah. She's been working at it, but she'd never make it very far before sitting down and crawling...because it was faster. Now she has more confidence and is teetering all around the house. Masha'Allah. The other day after I got home from work, my husband told me something she did that was funny but scary at the same time. He was playing his Playstation 3 and apparently didn't secure the baby gate that leads to the kitchen. And being a man, he was paying more attention to his video game than his child. So he tells me that he heard her voice outside of the living room. He went to look for her, thinking she had just went out through the kitchen and onto the other side of the house, but she wasn't there. She had crawled upstairs and was in the bathroom standing at the side of the bathtub. He was freaking out that she could have fallen down the steps or gotten hurt somehow. I agreed, but then at the same time, it was kind of funny that she snuck out and went upstairs to the bathroom. But alhamdulillah she was fine.

And she's outta here!

Alhamdulillah, NAPster moved out yesterday. It was a struggle between she and hubby, but she finally left. But, I said some things in the process that now has hubby pissed at me, so we're not really talking at the moment. But at least I have my house back to myself. And you want to know the first thing I did last night after she was gone? I changed clothes in the hallway next to where the laundry baskets are kept, which is right near the stairs that lead up to where she was staying. I'm sure you don't get the significance of that, but it was huge for me! I also cleaned up my kitchen and shined up the flattop stove. She irritated the heck out of me because she was always slopping stuff all over the stove and I got tired of cleaning it up only to go back the next day to find streaks of whatever all over it. So I left it that way. But I finally cleaned it up last night. And I even shined up the tea kettle (stainless steel) because it was all greasy from her food splashes all over it. I set the oven on self-clean tonight, because she has the inside all slopped up with stuff and it was smoking when I baked tonight. Slowly, insha'Allah, things will get back to normal around here.

Since hubby and I aren't really on the up and up right now, I never asked him if he divorced her. He's talked to her on the phone for over an hour tonight, so I don't know. But I don't even care about that. I'm just happy to have my house back! Masha'Allah!

I let it all out

I bet if I went back and counted the posts that I started out by saying, "Sorry for not posting for so long" it would probably be almost all the posts! But again...sorry! Life's been busy. Just after I wrote my last posts in November, we had the mother of all fights. And I finally snapped and told my husband everything I've been keeping inside of me for so long. I told him how he doesn't take responsibility for anything and that I'm tired of him blaming me for everything that goes wrong. I told him that I feel like he hates me and so he tries to belittle me and make me feel as small and worthless as he possibly can. I said that I can't talk to him about anything because he always gets defensive and threatens to leave. As he was sitting there looking at me while I poured it all out, I told him he was sitting there looking at me like a cold snake with demon eyes. And that really pissed him off.

And after I got it all out, I felt so much better. Better than I've felt in a long time. Oh sure, he swore that we were completely over and that I destroyed any hope of us being a family. And he insisted that we needed to get the baby's passport because I was mentally unstable and couldn't care for her (and of course I skirted around that and never went to do the passport). He said our entire relationship was based on lies and deception because I wasn't the person he thought he married. And he's right. I'm not. I'm a mother now. And I've changed.

But after a few days of him being cold towards me and barely speaking to me, one night he asked me if I could cook something when I came home from work. That's when I knew he was coming back around to being civil. And then he told me that if I feel there are problems in the future, then I need to talk to him about it so I don't do what I did when I exploded.

And since then, things have been different between us. I feel he's trying more now to make this work. So I'm trying to make this work. And so far, it is working. Insha'Allah, we'll be able to work together and make it through this.

If I were a boy...

So true, so true....

Settle down, ladies!

Wow...you guys have really gone to town, haven't you? While there are too many comments for me to take the time to respond to, I did want to respond to one that struck me.

"This child and ORAU seem to rarely have time with husband as a family unit. I can think of ONE TIME when they had a family outing to the zoo and that's it. And the time ORAU had a lion cake for birthday #1. Either they never go anywhere or ORAU has so much drama going on that she doesn't mention it. Sadly, either way were it not for this abyssmal situation perhaps ORAU could focus more on her daughter.

Has ORAU ever mentioned her daughter's current state? Most of my friends blog about what books their kids like, how much they weighed at their 2 yr well-check. Were ORAU to leave this situation she may have time to focus more on this sweet angel than her other child-her husband."

Yasmin, I do focus on my daughter. And we do go out as a family unit. But I neither have the free time nor the desire to come and write every little family thing we do together. "Guess what everyone, the husband, baby and I went out for ice cream and she stuck the cone on her head! It was so cute! Here's a picture!" And my daughter is just fine, alhamdulillah, but as I've never intended to put her entire little life on display, I don't mention everything about her. I try to keep part of my life private to some extent. She's never been the focus of this blog and I don't intend to change that. Her hair is getting longer, though, and it's starting to curl. :o)

I've said it before, I'm a big girl and am able to take what I want from everyone's comments. If I put the comments on moderation, you would never see any of them because I don't check it often enough to keep up with them.

I used to have more time to blog, and that's when I would write about everything under the sun. But that was a different time. I used to be able to write from work, but that was a different job. I wasn't a mom then either, so I had more time to just sit online and write and read everyone else's blogs. I'll take the compliment that I've tamed my inner drama-queen down, at least somewhat. :o)

I don't know...blogging just doesn't give me the same feeling it once did. Many of you are right in thinking that I don't tell you everything that is going on (but to answer your question, NO, he doesn't hit me). I just don't have the energy to defend everything that I could write about. And I also get a bit of paranoia now and again that if I write too much detail, that someone might recognize me in real life. I debate about just leaving...and those that have been around long enough know that I've deleted the entire thing and started over before. But if I leave, I don't want to lose the friendships I've made. And frankly, I'm not very good at keeping up with people unless I can find them on the blogs.